Equipping you to help your husband deal with sexual
sin in his life.
Renee’s husband, Clay Crosse was a soaring success in Christian music, but his secret sin threatened everything. He burst onto the contemporary Christian music scene with his 1994 hit “I Surrender All.” And over the next four years, his star climbed higher and higher with more number one hits and sold-out concerts. But beneath his success lurked a dark secret: he was addicted to pornography. [Buy Clay’s book, I Surrender All]
What to do? When? How do you know?
At the moment in time the wife finds out about her husband’s use of Internet pornography, sexually acting out or sexual addiction, her world is forever changed. Most women describe this as a time of numbness, shock, hurt, anger, despair and confusion. They feel inadequate, deceived, rejected, responsible, desperate and very confused. The life they thought they had no longer exists. She may even wonder if she even knows this man she calls her husband.
The Impact of Pornography & Sex Addiction on Relationships:
Many wives also feel responsible, blaming themselves for their husband’s need to view online porn or act out sexually. They often believe if they were sexier or more sexually responsive and available their husbands would not have to or need to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere. This simply is not true. One thing you need to know as truth: YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT AND YOU CANNOT CURE IT.
Here are some common questions wives of sex addicts ask themselves:
Am I to blame?
If you are like most women in your shoes, your husband was probably struggling with sexual sin long before he met you. It most likely began in childhood or adolescence, growing day-by-day and over the years, securing an unyielding grip on his life.
All addictions get worse over time, much like that of an alcoholic. Over time any addiction will begin to erode away at the personhood of the individual. The addiction takes on a life of its own and has nothing to do with you. Nothing you were doing or not doing was making the addiction worse. You are there in his life and perhaps a witness to the behavioral changes because of the pornography’s impact on his life, but it doesn’t make you responsible. He would struggle with pornography no matter whom he married.
Can I force my husband get help?
Very often, the one thing that gets a man into recovery is the urging (and sometimes the ultimatum) of his wife. While it is best for the man to decide on his own to get help, sometimes it just doesn’t happen this way. We (Pure Online) believe that God can use all kinds of circumstances to bring a man into right relationship with Himself – including (especially) the influence of his wife.
Will I ever be able to trust my husband again?
You might be thinking, “He’s promised me so many times he has stopped and I still catch him acting out. How can I trust him?” This is a question you should be asking. After all, he has lied to you, betrayed you, and you have lost intimacy and lost years and maybe even experienced financial losses. Trust takes time; sometimes a long time, to rebuild. Trust can never be regained until there is a change in his behavior.
Is there any hope for our relationship?
Yes, IF he is willing to do the work that is required to recover. It has been my experience that he can become even more emotionally intimate with you than either of you have ever experienced. It is impossible to have close and healthy intimacy when one partner is living a secret life or living a fantasy life.
There is hope if YOU do the work necessary to recover. You have been damaged, betrayed, lied to and hurt over the years. You are going to need to heal too. This is your personal responsibility. You cannot blame him if you do not heal.
Much of this text is (c) Noryne Mascarella and is part of an essay by her called, “Just for Wives”. She kindly allowed us to reprint and add to this material as shown here. Any copy that belongs to Noryne is copyright Noryne Mascarella and may not be reproduced without her permission. Any additional copy that is not a part of Noryne’s original essay is copyright Pure Online and may not be reproduced without our permission.